“I set about kittle pitchering any tom long with a circumbendibus chestnut as soon as I see ’em.”

Let’s dissect:

KITTLE PITCHERING. A jocular method of hobbling or bothering a troublesome teller of long stories: this is done by contradicting some very immaterial circumstance at the beginning of the narration, the objections to which being settled, others are immediately started to some new particular of like consequence; thus impeding, or rather not suffering him to enter into, the main story. Kittle pitchering is often practised in confederacy, one relieving the other, by which the design is rendered less obvious.  (1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose)

TOM LONG. A tiresome story teller. It is coming by Tom Long, the carrier; said of any thing that has been long expected. (1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose)

Circumbendibus – round about; a story with no end to it (1891 American Slang Dictionary by James Maitland)

Chestnut – an old story; an often repeated yarn.  The average chestnut of the ‘dago’ fruit stand has claims to respect on account of its age, but is not desirable as an article of diet, and ancient stories are equally tiresome (1891 American Slang Dictionary by James Maitland)

So, to sum up:  “I start immediately and humorously undermining the stories of any tiresome story teller with a round about, often repeated yarn.”

Seeing it was mizzling, the lallycooler inkslinger decided to stay in and have resurrection pie for his nooning.

Let’s dissect:

Mizzling – drizzling rain (1891 American Slang Dictionary by James Maitland)

Lallycooler – one who is pre-eminently successful in his line (daisy, dandy, darling, lullu) (1891 American Slang Dictionary by James Maitland)

Inkslinger – a writer or editor (1891 American Slang Dictionary by James Maitland)

Resurrection pie – a pie made of scraps or leavings (1891 American Slang Dictionary by James Maitland)

Nooning – an interval for rest and refreshment at midday, as in the harvest field (1891 American Slang Dictionary by James Maitland)

So, in other words:  Since it was lightly raining, the preeminent writer decided to stay in and have remixed left-overs for his afternoon refreshment.

“He’s real blowed-in-the-glass, you’d never smoke he’d go caterwauling and end up in monkey and parrot time.”

Let’s dissect:

Blowed-in-the-glass:  a genuine, trustworthy individual (Wikipedia: Hobo Expressions used through 1940s)

Monkey and parrot time: a lady left her favorite bird in company with a monkey and during her absence the two animals had a fight.  When she returned the monkey was wiping his scratched face and the almost featherless parrot called out, ‘we’ve been having a hell of a  time.’  a general row or free fight is a ‘monkey and parrot time.’ (1891 American Slang Dictionary by James Maitland)

CATERWAULING: Going out in the night in search of  intrigues, like a cat in the gutters. (1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose)

TO SMOKE: To observe, to suspect. (1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose)

To sum up “He’s real blowed-in-the-glass, you’d never smoke he’d go caterwauling and end up in monkey and parrot time” means “he’s a really genuine and trustworthy, you’d never suspect that he’d go out on the town all night and get into to fights.”

“I wanted to have a butcher’s so I took a Dublin packet and slapdash, a bracket-faced seven sided animal gave me a dub o’ th’ hick.”

Let’s dissect:

butchers:  Cockney slang meaning look.  Cockney slang, or rhyming slang, was most prevalent in the East End of London.  It consists of replacing a word with the beginning portion of a rhyming phrase.  For example:  substituting ‘look’ with ‘butcher’s hook’ but dropping the ‘hook.’  It may have risen to wide use as a way to keep outsiders from a close community (Wikipedia).

Dublin packet:  turn a corner; to ‘take the dublin packet” viz run around the corner – probably a pun on doubling a corner (A dictionary of modern slang, cant, and vulgar words by John Camden Hotten)

Slapdash:  Immediately, instantly, suddenly. (1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose)

Bracket-faced:  Ugly, hard-featured (1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose)

Seven sided animal:  you know this one 😉

dub o’th’hick:  A lick on the head (1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose)

So, to sum up “I wanted to have a butcher’s so I took a Dublin packet and slapdash, a bracket-faced seven sided animal gave me a dub o’ th’ hick”  means “I wanted to take a look so I turned a corner and suddenly an ugly one eyed man gave me a lick on the head.”